Ogreatyme's Xanga

Die Zeremonie

Fri, 08 May 2009 18:33:32 GMT

I am sitting on my once-mine chair in my once-mine living room typing on my laptop (which is still mine). My once-mine room has been locked up, I will be leaving Flagstaff tomorrow. So many rites of passages to see. Almost all of my friends are leaving this place. All three of my roommates are leaving, two graduating, one getting married. Alex, Danielle, Amy, Joshua, Scuba, and Devon are either leaving or graduating and staying.
I am not staying Flagstaff this summer. I am not going back to my parent's house either. No, I have a volunteer position over in Colorado in Pagosa Springs.
It seems like everyone is really going their separate ways. Mike (Sena, best dude friend)and Mike Brown are staying here and are still working at the job I left that fateful summer. Jessica, my best chick friend and roommate of two years is being stolen by her boyfriend Ross, I and her sweet family (they are really sweet!) are giving her away on the 16th. Amy is going back to Colorado never to return till we will meet in some random grocery store, or board meeting or on an Airplane headed to some remote country out in the middle of no where. Danielle I have no clue about though she is probably in Phoenix or with her mate Phil. Alex again I shall probably not meet unless for some odd reason he is in PHX when I am in PHX, I will miss him a little bit. Joshua will be in Nebraska, he and I are doing a Bible Study over the phone. My brother is in boot camp for the Navy, he will graduate in June, and then head straight out to some other place that he does not know of at this point. He and I don't talk as much as we used to.
I almost feel like this is an ending to a chapter in my life, except everyone else is getting the rite of passage, and I really am not. I keep having these seriously odd dreams, I think my subconscious is torturing me, for not wanting to reproduce at this point in my life. For the past couple of nights my dreams have been something like this.
There is a man, he is amazing and is pretty much everything I ever wanted and. get this, he wants me back. No problem right? No. you are wrong. I will tell him that we can't be together.There is absolutely no reason why we shouldn't be, it just is.
I seriously hate this dream and I am certain my subconscious is really just beating my mangled heart to pieces right now. I can't do it. I won't do it. I like my life the way it is, the only thing I need a man for at this point is to help me carry down boxes. I think its really odd what people are saying when I tell them I don't think I am ready to have a boyfriend. The pattern is very similar. I tell them I am not ready, they say you will be ready when you find the right person, and who knows? Maybe there is a cute guy waiting for you up in Pagosa Springs. Then I go through the reasons I am guarding myself against it. First off, this archaeology position is important to my career: I do not want to look like some shallow headed person who wants a boyfriend, I am leaving from Colorado to Arizona afterwards, and then graduating and moving back with the parentals for a little bit. Then I will either, a. go to gradschool, or b. get a career. Secondly, it won't work out. I am not ready. period. end. of. story.
I think I am still healing, I think I have probably forgiven everyone that has wronged me, but I haven't felt like forgiving myself. I need to forgive myself, I just don't know how. It sounds weird, but I also do not really think I am worthy enough to have a boyfriend just yet. It sounds terrible, but I need to work on certain virtues and qualities that I myself would want in a partner. So I am in Phoenix for a week and will be doing my first and longest drive down to California next next week. Then all the way up to Colorado to do the rest of my summer.

Chapter 54 A future outside of school.

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 05:11:25 GMT

I am graduating in the fall with just an anthropology degree, but hey its worth it. I will probably be back in California in Early December, for some time unless I find a job outside of Cali.
I think I am going to take a year or two before going into grad school, since it looks like that option will be hard since everyone is going to gradschool and higher education is being cut more, making Gradschool either very expensive or not at all. Hopefully I will find a job that will apply my cultural skills that I got my degree for, but if not oh well. I figure if all is for the worst I can get into a field school in spring or summer, which is excellent for archaeology.
This is where all of you come in, since I am in Arizona could you guys keep an eye open and see if you can find a job for an anthropologist? Anthropologists specialize in culture and communities. We are great mediators, community oriented, artistic (more an audience of an artist). The problem is I don't even really know where to go.
Here is a list of jobs I can do:
Academic Advisor
Park Interpreter
Admissions Counselor
Parks/Zoological Consultant
Archeology Fieldworker
Pollster
Foreign Service Officer
Probation Officer
Genealogist
Public Health Educator
Insurance Underwriter
Public Relations Representative
Market Research Analyst
Social and Community Service Manager
Museum Technician
Technical Writer
I'm looking around now, but if you spot something, please call me! Thank you this will be a lot of help.

Ch.53 What's New, well not really.

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 06:02:25 GMT

Yeah, that whole playing it slow with Brandon (my boyfriend) thing? doesn't work. I haven't done anything serious, anything that makes me feel too guilty. I did convert back to Christianity, and I am remaining abstinent as much as possible, but there is nothing like a good snogging session. Brandon and I have both gotten to the point where we believe we need to control ourselves, or get in serious trouble. We have decided to not kiss anymore, at least for awhile. I actually kind of think its a good idea. I want a great relationship with this guy, and I would rather have that than all the sex (and kisses) in the world. I guess in a way thats new. I might be wrong but I think I'm growing up.
What hasn't changed is my classes, something that I wish had changed already. Finals are next week. I have survived through the semester. I might be getting all B's though, this semester has been rough from the very beginning. I have a new job. Closest I've ever gotten to an Anthro position. I am doing archaeological mapping. Which hopefully will be pretty fun. I hope you guys are doing alright. I'll be back home probably on the 20th. Call me so we can hang out sometime.

Ch.52 Guarding my Heart

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 18:09:52 GMT

So when the elections were happening, there was a party I went to. It was for the Political Science club.
I met a guy.
I gave him my number.
He facebooked me and asked if we could have dinner sometime.
I said yes.
We went downtown to First Friday, and viewed the photographs and art. Shockingly, he liked to look like I like to look.
We talked and talked. Talked all night, saw a sunrise together. He kissed me a half hour before sunrise.
He went on a backpacking trip and I tried to get homework done. He took me out to dinner on Sunday, I saw him yesterday too. Jessica approves, first time she ever has. Never liked Seth, nor Mike, nor any of my other beaus, she tried to fix me up with Scott but well I've never had feelings for Scott.
We have a lot of similarities, but one big difference. He is two years younger than I am.
I don't know what to do. I like him a lot, but I don't want to get my heart broken again.

Ch.51 Whats going on?

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 21:13:15 GMT

I walked into where I pick up my paychecks and spoke to my Supervisor, and gave her my letter of resignation.
I am no longer working for Abrio. I figured I probably shouldn't after I got the Anxiety Attack I did, due to being physically abused by my client. My supervisor knew why. but I wrote on my letter of resignation it was due to the stress of school. She told me to go get some counseling.
I am probably going to be getting a lot of counseling actually. One from NAU, and another from Lamb of God. It's my church. Lamb of God's services are free for those who go through the church, and these people have degrees with in the field of Psychology. So its a fairly safe bet.
I think my heart's broken. Though I don't know from whom, or when.
There are many I haven't forgiven yet, something a Christian is supposed to do, but I barely know how to start. I don't think its just a say and all will be well sort of thing, but its something I am working on.
I am also working on a better relationship with God himself.
Mike told me that he just wanted to be friends a little while ago, but honestly it seems like its no skin off my back. Maybe he has always just been a friend and thats that.
I am reading an amazing book called Captivating. Its about the Christian feminine heart. It is all about how we try to fill up ourselves with drugs, alcohol, or in my case boys in order to try to fill that insatiable thirst we all seem to have. That thirst is only satisfied by God.
I feel better by going to him for my problems, no he can not hold me, but mentally, I have become better because of him.
I am gonna need to find a different job, probably one with plants.

Ch.50 Let's Just Be Friends

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 17:21:45 GMT

No. Mike did not say that, in fact he hasn't said anything about it since I asked him
Its time for me to let go, I think.
I need to get a better relationship with God going. I find I'm very stressed out and have very limited reasons for it. My life isn't even worth a whine right now, its fairly good, except for the job and the endless boring classes that I don't learn anything in.
Don't get me wrong, I still am Ashley
I still want to be kissed, I want to dance, I want to hold hands (as soon as my mental scars of being grabbed by the hands real hard goes away). I still want to have an amazing conversation with someone, talk all night.
But for the moment single looks like its in.
Its not too bad is it?
I keep having a hard time with my future at the moment. I want to travel but there is this huge fear that I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life.
I want kids eventually.
and yet, I am afraid of another relationship because they are never that great.
So I am gonna remain single until I feel better about being single, and hopefully someday there will be a great guy that will actually find me good enough to chase.
For right now I will try to be happy with remaining single.
key word is try.

ch.49 what has happened.

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 20:55:47 GMT

I went back to Christ last Sunday.
It might be hard to understand from an outsiders view but I was tired of being in the same rut. It seemed like I was getting too close to another failed relationship and this time with my best friend. I have known for awhile that if I had sex again, that I would get into the same stuff over and over again. Also, I had a huge feeling that I didn't know what love is and that I was not ready. I am still working on the love part, but I believe I have figured it out. With this conversion came a renewal within myself I did not expect. And a feeling of love I have not seen in a very long time.
A couple of things I have realized still need to be done. I need to work on how I love, and love everybody. I need to sort out my strange-ass relationship with my best friend Mike, and I need to work on my homework and school work of coarse.
I have started writing an 8 pager for my History class. Its due on Tuesday.. Its gonna be great.
I have already told Mike we need to sort out our relationship. We are very intimate (not physically) and this is good for now, but is bad, if I want to start dating other guys. It creates jealousy among suitors and confusion within myself.
Dating between us would only be an option if he would commit, because we are good friends already we aren't going through the "can we hangout with each other? " phase. After about a month, I would be wondering if he actually thought I was worth the commitment and also I don't want to be free to look for other guys, it seems wrong, and
So I told him that he needed to figure out what he wants to do, if he wanted us to just be friends and a loss of intimacy (i.e. I wouldn't be able to hang out with him alone anymore). Or a relationship, a bit more than what we've got right now.
I'm gonna give him a lot of time on this because a. its a very hard decision. b. I want him to be absolutely sure.
I am tired of this on and off between us.
I wonder how you guys are doing?
I love you guys a lot. Mwa.
the Ashley is out

Ch.48 Boy Break

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 20:10:26 GMT

this is a tad bit different than the three month boy break and something I should have done in the first place.
This week and only for this week I am not hanging out with any of the people I have made out with, ever.
I find I keep on getting into situations that lead me down some unsatisfactory guilty roads.
Tuesday night for instance, I made out with Mike... again. It was all very mechanical and it was like I had felt nothing for him.
It's funny because I consider him attractive and do some what care about him, but here I was debating whether or not to kiss him and then we get into trouble. There was absolutely no feeling in it.
I find myself in these situations a lot lately. Mike has only been the most recent victim, followed shortly by Seth, Alex and about 2 months ago Matt.
so I have decided that in order to make it a WEEK with out making out with somebody I just will hang out with friends I a)haven't made out with, b)am not attracted to, and c) don't plan on doing anything with soon.
this has been since like Wednesday I think.
So far so good, though I did run into Mike and Seth in carnival night but its not like I invited them. and there were a bunch of people around anyway, and its not like I made out with them.
Plus honestly, I'd like to be pursued for once. Get tired of all this garbage where I schedule the meeting times and crap.
I am still talking to all of them. or well most of them. Not calling them... if they are on IM and IM me I will talk but I ain't making any moves.
I wish I was with you guys again, it seemed to be a lot easier being single in high school. its been about 3 months and this is the longest I have been single since I was 17.
and that is scary to me, scary in the fact that that was 3 years ago.
it does help to mention the year and four months thing with Seth but well I feel pretty bad about it.
Its time for Ashley to remain single. if a guy hops along and decides against all logic that he wants to date me and keeps annoying the crap out of me about it sure, well if like him then sure.
but right now I am happy trying to cope with life on my own.

Ch. 47 In which Ashley realizes her mistakes.

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 20:36:41 GMT

I made him rice and beans for lunch. He didn't talk very much but then Alex has been pretty sick lately.
and its been a rough week.
My dates went ok. Even with Mike it seemed very mechanical, I was just going through the motions.
so I realized I wasn't ready not only for a relationship, but also for just dating in general.
I ain't putting another schedule on how long I have to be until I can be single, I figure whatever happens will happen.
I feel kind of guilty though.
I feel like I have hurt a lot of feelings and lost a lot of trust. Especially with Alex. He hasn't really said anything about it, so I don't entirely know if I have, but I felt like I have so I am trying to correct it.
So what to do? I decided that I should probably hang out with Alex (if he still wants to) and do a bit better at being his friend. at being everybody's friend. and also at being a better student.
I decided to clean my side of the room, and the kitchen, and the living room. Do some of my homework now so that it won't build up too much tomorrow, and actually read crap before I write about it.
I hung out with a lot of people I didn't know and watched some movies last night, it was actually a lot of fun. Hung out with my friend Devon and her potential boy Joe, and went out to Denny's to see Matt.
I think work and school are putting a lot of pressure on Matt, he's basically superman but still, all work and only playing WoW makes Matt a dull boy. ok so he is on to dating this one chick. But he really looked like he was being overworked by a tad few tons.
Devon is a bit happier (and a bit quieter) than she's been in a while. Even before she met Joe.
I'm helping Jess with her wedding plans but not doing much, though I am a brides maid.
I'm taking her to this one place today to see if it might make a good reception area, though she's really thinking about PHX. She's got a good church over there that would allow her to do what she wants and cheaply.

you guys need to update. even email would be nice. I want to make sure you all are alright.
I love you guys. Write! Before I call you in the middle of your classes.

Ch. 46 Wait a flippin second!

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 04:17:53 GMT

I don't get it.
just don't.
Ok I do, but I don't. A lot of miscommunication, a lot of random wahuh? A lot of "I should think of him like a brother but he's so not." going on. I'm turning a 180 as we speak and I don't entirely know what to tell you as I write this.
My friend Mike Brown (not Sena who is My Mike) comes up to my room and starts talking about his girlfriend and him and how there's a lot of miscommunication going on between them. Or at least thats what I said. Honestly, if two people are having a fight.. probably because of that. anywho, we start talking about my guy situation... Which honestly I wouldn't blame you if you were more tired of it than I was.
He interrupts me when I get on to Chris, the guy who asked me out last Tuesday.
"Why aren't you going out with Mike?" ...
"Cuz he doesn't like me that way. He never did. and we're fine with just being friends. "
Brown started to laugh. " He likes you, he's just been afraid that you don't like him."
Oh. good. God.
Here I am, with this guy who listens to me, takes care of me, who I am planning a road trip with and allows me to take care of him . I have liked him plenty of times in the past, each time I asked he said no, (but honestly the reasons he said no were because of my exes). I have never been more comfortable with somebody my whole entire life and NOW he likes me?
It all made sense. He thought I didn't like him because I told him that he kissed badly, and I would say to him "You make an amazing brother" "He's like a brother to me" which honestly was because it would seem like I wouldn't have feelings for him.
he of course was telling me "Kissing you would just be awkward", and " I don't want a relationship with you"
...
so anyway, because I am me I had to test Brown's theory, and called up Mike and had him watch family guy with me.
we cuddled up close like we always do, and during American Dad I kissed him on the lips.
at first I thought he was freaked out, but then he started to kiss me back.
I have a date on Wednesday, no I am not in a relationship with him, still sort of afraid of relationships for the time being, but well. I'm excited.
and very confused.
though I don't feel like second guessing myself.
I wonder if this is a move out of desperation or me just always liking the guy, and knowing that he likes me just made it all work out.
...
Actually now that I look at it that way, the latter sounds a lot more right.