| | I am sitting on my once-mine chair in my once-mine living room typing on my laptop (which is still mine). My once-mine room has been locked up, I will be leaving Flagstaff tomorrow. So many rites of passages to see. Almost all of my friends are leaving this place. All three of my roommates are leaving, two graduating, one getting married. Alex, Danielle, Amy, Joshua, Scuba, and Devon are either leaving or graduating and staying.
I am not staying Flagstaff this summer. I am not going back to my parent's house either. No, I have a volunteer position over in Colorado in Pagosa Springs.
It seems like everyone is really going their separate ways. Mike (Sena, best dude friend)and Mike Brown are staying here and are still working at the job I left that fateful summer. Jessica, my best chick friend and roommate of two years is being stolen by her boyfriend Ross, I and her sweet family (they are really sweet!) are giving her away on the 16th. Amy is going back to Colorado never to return till we will meet in some random grocery store, or board meeting or on an Airplane headed to some remote country out in the middle of no where. Danielle I have no clue about though she is probably in Phoenix or with her mate Phil. Alex again I shall probably not meet unless for some odd reason he is in PHX when I am in PHX, I will miss him a little bit. Joshua will be in Nebraska, he and I are doing a Bible Study over the phone. My brother is in boot camp for the Navy, he will graduate in June, and then head straight out to some other place that he does not know of at this point. He and I don't talk as much as we used to.
I almost feel like this is an ending to a chapter in my life, except everyone else is getting the rite of passage, and I really am not. I keep having these seriously odd dreams, I think my subconscious is torturing me, for not wanting to reproduce at this point in my life. For the past couple of nights my dreams have been something like this.
There is a man, he is amazing and is pretty much everything I ever wanted and. get this, he wants me back. No problem right? No. you are wrong. I will tell him that we can't be together.There is absolutely no reason why we shouldn't be, it just is.
I seriously hate this dream and I am certain my subconscious is really just beating my mangled heart to pieces right now. I can't do it. I won't do it. I like my life the way it is, the only thing I need a man for at this point is to help me carry down boxes. I think its really odd what people are saying when I tell them I don't think I am ready to have a boyfriend. The pattern is very similar. I tell them I am not ready, they say you will be ready when you find the right person, and who knows? Maybe there is a cute guy waiting for you up in Pagosa Springs. Then I go through the reasons I am guarding myself against it. First off, this archaeology position is important to my career: I do not want to look like some shallow headed person who wants a boyfriend, I am leaving from Colorado to Arizona afterwards, and then graduating and moving back with the parentals for a little bit. Then I will either, a. go to gradschool, or b. get a career. Secondly, it won't work out. I am not ready. period. end. of. story.
I think I am still healing, I think I have probably forgiven everyone that has wronged me, but I haven't felt like forgiving myself. I need to forgive myself, I just don't know how. It sounds weird, but I also do not really think I am worthy enough to have a boyfriend just yet. It sounds terrible, but I need to work on certain virtues and qualities that I myself would want in a partner. So I am in Phoenix for a week and will be doing my first and longest drive down to California next next week. Then all the way up to Colorado to do the rest of my summer.
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| | Posted 5/8/2009 3:33 PM - 6 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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