Its interesting to think that over a year ago a best friend of mine got married to the man of her dreams, it is amazing to think that today, after 8 years a dynamic duo was wed.
I don't know about you guys, but many of my friends are getting married. Its a scary thought to think that at 18 when we saw a young woman with a kid in Purther's class, we freaked knowing that she was only 3 years older than we were. Some of us are now married, others more than likely on the way. I have so forgotten this site, and I remember looking it over a few months ago and cringing at the fact that I wrote so desperately.
Yesterday I was at the beach, talking to God and hearing what He had to say. I rushed into the powerful waves full force. I don't think I have been to the beach and in the water since that fateful summer in 2006. So yesterday, I baptized myself and forgave myself for the mess I dragged myself head over heels into. I must admit it felt good. I remember what I was almost 4 years ago, 3 years ago, 2 years ago and 1 year ago. I have changed. 4 years ago I was a desperate girl, wanting any attention I could get and from any source. 3 years ago I thought I was mature enough in myself to carry a long term boyfriend, and I so thought I knew what I was going to do. 2 years ago I was a depressed young leader, trying to hold on to the brief bit of control I thought I had. A year ago, I relinquished the control I thought I had on everything, I learned to be by myself and content. This summer, I don't know what it will bring, I still have the wants and desires I had 4 years ago, but I have learned to control myself and not try to control everything surrounding me. When I was at the beaching, walking over the sand and enjoying myself a little, I noticed the stones on the beach. I know that these stones had been broken off from larger ones. Jagged and course they found themselves, half buried in the sand, waves crashing upon them and letting them roll up and down near the break in the water. I feel just like those stones, broken, tossed, buried, but I know in the end all my jagged edges will run smooth.
I'm donating my hair to locks of love on Tuesday. Its the longest it has ever been. Secretly, I don't want to cut my hair, but at the same time I know its not only going to a good cause, it is also a gesture of getting rid of those past four years. I won't ever forget those years, but I don't want that to forever be labeled in my past. All the junk and crap I did over those years, I am going to get rid of, and finally forgive myself for what I did.
I just read a book called "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping", goofy that I read such things I know, but its given me a few insights into what I have been doing wrong when I am dating. Usually, when I go out with someone, I go out with them exclusively, and fall head over heels, hoping that eventually someday we will get married. That Ashley is no longer around. I am officially a non-exclusive dater, have fun just just learning about other people dater. No more exclusive for me, at least until I find someone I really like and we have been going out for like 3 months. So far, I suck at this, but I am learning. I know longer am just dating geeks, I want to date musicians and jocks and whomevers is willing to take me out. (As long as they don't drink or do drugs or are part of a gang or want a one night stand) so like about half of the male population my age. I am tired of giving up my heart so easily to anyone.
So I'm changing, a tiny bit at a time, one roll down the sand at a time.
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